Control. Why I want it and why it's so hard to surrender it.

Whew! I am delving into a deep issue here, but I feel it's a good one to talk about.

I can't speak for everyone, but I know I struggle with control issues. The most recent ones have concerned the health and safety of this sweet family of mine. Sometimes I toss and turn at night entertaining thoughts that are birthed from my own human, fallen mind (or worse, from our annoying enemy). 

I worry about Micah- is she warm enough? Is she too warm? Is she breathing? Is she eating enough? Is she reaching her milestones? The list goes on...

I worry about Kirk- is he feeling ok? Is he still trusting God with our finances and future? Did we make the right decision in coming to Scotland?

... and I worry about myself? Am I always going to be able to take care of Micah? Will my health stay as strong as it is? What if something happens to me? 

Do you know what my conclusion is? I know that all of these thoughts are a "normal" part of life, but I don't want to just let them pass by without actively fighting them by (ironically enough) handing them over to Someone who is far more capable to carry these and face them head-on.

I don't want to be this way (speaking in reference to my previously mentioned issue), but I'm not going to beat myself up about it. I'm learning how to receive grace in my weak moments and choose to trust God and His faithfulness and sovereignty in our lives.

The truth is I have no idea what may or may not happen to us today, tomorrow, or 5 years from now. One thing I can say (confidently) is that spending night after night wrestling and thinking I can direct us will only leave me more anxious, tired, and afraid.

Thank you, Lord, for giving us a way out of our fearful, worried condition. Thank You for holding our lives and our days in your hands! Thank you that your grace (by definition) gives us room to grow.

My prayer for all of us is that we may live more trusting, hope-filled lives. I pray that we may face each new day with one expectation- that God is already there greeting us, and He always will be. 

But now thus says the Lord,
he who created you, O Jacob,
    he who formed you, O Israel:
“Fear not, for I have redeemed you;
    I have called you by name, you are mine.
2 When you pass through the waters, I will be with you;
    and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you;
when you walk through fire you shall not be burned,
    and the flame shall not consume you.
3 For I am the Lord your God,
    the Holy One of Israel, your Savior.

Isaiah 43: 1-3a

Our unexpected Christmas/Boxing Day gift

Today was a good day, although it began with my usual December 26, post-Christmas sad face. I'm still a child at heart, and it doesn't matter how many Christmases go by in my life; I am always a teary-eyed little girl at the end of Christmas (a little confession). Oh well, that's just me, I guess!

When we woke up this morning, I told Kirk that I would love to go out and have some sort of adventure. After all, he is taking 10 days off to be on "holiday", and now is the time to make the most of it! It took us awhile to come up with an idea, but we eventually decided to head to Portobello beach, and that ended up being a better plan than we expected...

The beach was lit up by the sun (a rarity, as you already know), and there were loads of families lining the promenade, still beaming with holiday cheer. It made me happy just being in the midst of it! I was pleasantly surprised to see that the coffee houses and restaurants were open, considering that today is Boxing Day (a holiday originally marked by generosity).  Some would consider this day to be like a second Christmas, and I like that concept a lot, considering my aforementioned "sad face".

It only seemed right after our 30 minute stroll to enjoy a warm cup of coffee and some soup at The Beach House restaurant.  The only problem was that the place was packed, and there was nowhere to sit.  The host noticed us waiting for a table, but somehow all of the families who came in after us were given a seat first (that's not the generosity part I was referring to, ha).  We were eventually seated at a large table that already had a couple sitting there.  At first I thought, this is super weird.  Why would they put us at a table where people are already seated?  Well, we chose to sit at this table, because we knew it would be awhile to get another table, and maybe we could make new friends.  That is actually what happened.

This lovely couple, Ann and Brian from Manchester, embraced our awkward situation and immediately initiated the conversation.  I was relieved to know that they were talkers, because it helped not make things so odd.  We chatted the entire meal about their experience in the states, their views on health care (yes, people have opinions about ObamaCare here, too), and their family.  They gave us great advice about enjoying Micah and remembering that she needs our time more than she needs our money (I'm glad, because ministry makes people so wealthy).  Their kindness was evident in the way they randomly offered to help us out if we need anything during our stay here, gave us some new coffee shops to try out, and surprised us at the end of the meal with a card with their number on it, and a surprise free lunch.  I just sat there drop-jawed at the whole situation.  I remember my mom (and several others) prayed specifically for someone to be like a stand-in Gramma while we are here, and Ann even emphasized that she is an "experienced grandmother" who is ready at any time for a cuddle. 

I'm pretty sure God had something to do with this day.  I am amazed at His provision and kindness toward us.  We could have sat around all day and stared at the wall.  I could have stayed in my "sad face" mode.  We could have turned this into a chore day, but what God had for us was better (as it usually is) - meeting wonderful new people, who we know love Him, and who genuinely express His heart towards others.  That's Christmas, right there!  I'm so grateful for Ann and Brian, and I have a feeling we will be seeing them soon.

Merry Christmas, everyone!  Happy Boxing Day, too! 

 

Ministry jobs

Kirk is starting to look for ministry jobs, because we are going into the "real world" outside of school after this year-long adventure. We have to think of our next steps whilst still being present here. Only God can do that kind of balancing act! 

Say a prayer... It's gettin' CRAZY-- haha! Jk! But really, say a prayer. We want to make sure we find the best fit for his giftings.

We call it a... They call it a...

A trunk is a boot

A sweater is a jumper 

A buzzer is a hooter (thanks, Andrew)

A doctor's office is a surgery 

Construction paper is scrapbook paper 

7:30 is "half seven"

A nursery is a crèche 

A movie is a film 

A diaper is a nappy

An elevator is a lift

A cup of tea/coffee is a cuppa

A cigarette is a fag

A pooh is a "jobby" (thanks, Gordon)

A scone is pronounced SCON

A cookie is a biscuit 

A biscuit is a SCON 

A little child is a wee child 

A dude is a chap or a lad

If I've been somewhere there, I've bEEn somewhere here 

Just a few deep things I've learned :) 

To be continued...

Tea- my peace offering

Remember me writing about getting kicked out of our flat for electrical rewiring? Well, we had a lovely time at the B and B, but when we came back this is what we found:

-pieces of wire all over the floor in every room

-dust on our couches

-metal pieces and wire all over our bedspread

-and the worst... they used our toilet, left the seat up, and didn't flush it! 

It goes without saying that I was pretty aggravated when we got home from a peaceful couple of days, only to find that our place was a disaster! I probably wouldn't have been as upset if we didn't have a baby who is now rolling everywhere... 

Anyway, we felt like we needed to tell our letting agency who hired these guys, since the electricians reflect their company. Apparently they were told they had to come back to do even more "damage" to the place, and I wanted to know when they were planning on coming, because I had no desire to see any of them- momma bear be MAD! 

Well, Operation Avoid Them at All Costs didn't go according to plan, because I missed the call from our landlord telling me they were coming. So, after a day with Micah, thinking that I was going to hand her off to Kirk and get a little "me time", we got a knock at the door... It was my favorite people. Not only did they come to make a mess, but he asked  me to help him clean up after him, because no one was here to help-what the heck, man? I helped anyway... I was ticked off the whole time, but I figured it was all happening for some reason that would eventually toughen this skin of mine.

After holding the Hoover under his drilling for a good while, these words just slipped out of my mouth as if I couldn't control them (I bet you're expecting some expletives, right?)... "May I get you some tea?" 

He responded, "tea would be lovely, thanks!" 

As I poured his tea with milk and two sugars, I laughed at the whole situation. I decided to give him some cookies, too. I know he wasn't exactly an invited guest in our home, but this whole thing was used I think to help me get over myself and be a "big girl" about it- haha! His tea was my way, I suppose, of forgiving him. 

I will never understand it, but God works in mysterious ways.  As I write this, Kirk is out in the hall telling him why we go to church, because he asked us about it... Weird, huh?!? I'm glad this all happened now. Even though it was terribly inconvenient. Haha!

Striving, striving...

Striving: rooted in sin, trying in my own strength to achieve goals that were not implanted in my heart by God, leads to frustration, failure and broken-heartedness. (My understanding of this word).

I've been praying about this word today. I realize that Jesus came to set us free from this kind of living. Why do I keep choosing to strive when I've been given a way out? Oh, many reasons, but perhaps the main one can be summed up in the words of the hymn "Come, Thou Fount of Every Blessing":

Prone to wander,

Lord I feel it,

Prone to leave the God I love 

Our human, sinful hearts long for identity and acceptance. We "wander" because we forget the freeing truth of the Gospel- we have been given this amazing gift, but we tend to forget the power and freedom that this Gift offers. I'm reminded in this Christmas season that there is no amount of striving that will ever bring me peace. So, as I wake up each day and fight my desire to wander and achieve some important status, I pray that this will be my attitude:

Here's my heart, Lord

Take and seal it,

Seal it for Thy courts above.

"Be still and know that I am God" 

or

"Cease striving as know that I am God"

Ps. 46:10 (NIV and MSG)

Celebrating with new friends

We are definitely missing our family and friends in the US, but we are excited about the opportunity we have to celebrate Christmas as a family of three in this new, exciting place.

As I mentioned in one of my earlier posts, we love our church community here, and we are grateful for the speedy way God helped us find it! The "short version" of how we found Centrepoint is that Kirk was invited to have lunch with a prospective student before we moved away from Gordon Conwell. This student's family knows our pastor and told us about the church. We sent an email, and Nathan (the cool pastor/friend that he is) invited us to have coffee and helped us navigate some of the ins and outs of being newbies in Edinburgh. He was also once a newbie, as he is an American who moved here 8 years ago :). I'm continually amazed at God's faithfulness and provision! It's encouraging to think back over the past couple of years at the countless times God has directed us into situations like this recent one!

We are now plugging in and getting involved with the worship ministry and offered to host our community group at our place (because of the babyness). We love this church's heart for the people of Edinburgh! I feel like there is such a genuineness amongst the group that challenges me to check my "Christianese" at the door and just love people. There are a lot of students from the university who attend the church, as well as young adults and families. We feel honored to be part of this group, and we hope we can be an encouragement to them in the way they have been to us! 

It's hard to be taken out of the familiar and the comfortable, because we often have to feel pain of letting go/missing home, but the lessons we are learning and the people we are meeting here are worth it all! We are learning to value and appreciate so many aspects of the culture here- I can't even name them all (I'll save that for a future post)! 

Speaking of the people we are meeting, we had a great time celebrating Jesus with them today! We had a Christmas service that led into a festive (and quite funny) celebration. It was a wonderful way to get me out of my homesick "funk", to say the least. All it takes is tacky sweaters, carols, and turning people into Christmas trees- I mean, come on! Does it get any better?!? 👍

Here are a few pics from the day: 

Tacky Jumpers (sweaters)

Our sweet friend Lois- she is HILARIOUS and sings like an ANGEL!

These are two of our friends', the Daleys, kids (Eisley and Maevelynn). We met them through some mutual friends- that's a cool story, too!

Monkey shot! Like Micah's "stink eye"?

I'm so proud to be married to the winner of the tacky contest! It's dreamy :).

Everyday gets better here! Learning to let go and embrace this adventure! Sometimes I have a what the heck moment and realize we are in Scotland! I know we would regret it if we didn't take advantage of this opportunity. Life takes us crazy places, but going along for the ride is much easier than fighting the Driver!

A wee holiday at the Ardleigh

Our landlord decided that our flat needs to be rewired completely, so we got booted out for a couple of days. Oh man, what a drag, right? Quite the opposite, actually! We have been given a free 2-night stay at a local B and B, and it is amazing! It's so fun that we get this little "staycation", especially since we can't go home for Christmas.

So, a big thanks to our friend Mike for making this happen! We are having a great time!

My heart about posting photos, videos, and "moments" across the pond

So, I admit it... my love for community compels me to share countless photos, videos, and stories about our life over here.

The truth behind the matter is that I'm homesick... the closest family we have is 3,000 miles away, and it is a comforting feeling to share sweet Micah moments (and a few others) with those we love.  We have a lot of people who ask for videos and photos, and it is a bit overwhelming to constantly send out email after email, so I just post for friends and loved ones in our social media "family".

I sometimes wrestle with this, because I know it seems pretty self-absorbed to announce the goings-on in the Patterson world day in and day out, but I guess I'll let the Lord guide my heart on this one, instead of letting insecurity motivate my decisions. 

And here is a recent reflection about it:

I'm aware that many moments should be left within these four walls of our home, and even though I am very open about what I'm learning, I still seek to use discretion as much as I know how.  I recently listened to a podcast about social media and our motives for posting and sharing.  It motivated me to check myself before hitting the "post" button.  Lately, I have been thinking quite a bit about this, and I realize that sometimes my motives are probably not as pure as they could be.  Perhaps my homesickness and feelings that we may be "missing out" on others' lives drives me to self-promote in a way that says "don't forget about us, we're important..." gross, right?  God, help me!

As I learn this lesson, I am praying that God will guide my use of social media in a way that brings honor to Him, so that I don't elevate the Patterson (or Shelby) name above His.  This is not always easy, but I'm challenged to work on it.

Thanks for letting me share my heart.  It's a healthy outlet for me.

Faithful in whatever...

What an eventful weekend in the sports world- Auburn BEAT Alabama in the last second!  Wow!  It was fun to watch all of the fans celebrate a rare moment like that.  As Kirk and I watched the replays, there was a posting along the side of each page that read something like "Paul Walker pronounced dead" or "Fast and Furious star dies in car crash".  Oh, man- that was tough to see, not because Paul Walker was famous, but because behind all the glitz and glam, he had a family, a 15-year-old daughter, and a life.  I tend to get quite emotional when I hear of people passing away, because I am sobered.  Life is so fleeting, and whether we have busy days or monotonous days, those days are precious.
I often get sad when Kirk walks out the door in the morning, because I am afraid I may feel bored throughout my day, but when I pray about the typical routines of the day, one word comes to mind (and it's not always an easy to live out): faithfulness.  I am so blessed to have this new day, whether it is filled with cleaning, adventuring, or baby babble, and I have a choice- do I complain and think that my life is boring, or do I embrace the sweetness of each day, knowing that I'm not entitled to it.
The words to a Chris Rice song came into my head as I prayed for those who are mourning right now (Paul Walker's family and those who are in the Philippines piecing their lives back together).  The words challenged and encouraged me at the same time as I start my week. 

Teach us to count the days
Teach us to make the days count
Lead us in a better way
Somehow our souls forgot,
life means so much,
life means so much, 
life means so much.

Life is a gift- full of great, hard, and messy moments.  I am challenged to live more presently, more fully in those moments.

Whatever we find ourselves doing today, may we be faithful in the busy and the monotonous, alike.