Control. Why I want it and why it's so hard to surrender it.

Whew! I am delving into a deep issue here, but I feel it's a good one to talk about.

I can't speak for everyone, but I know I struggle with control issues. The most recent ones have concerned the health and safety of this sweet family of mine. Sometimes I toss and turn at night entertaining thoughts that are birthed from my own human, fallen mind (or worse, from our annoying enemy). 

I worry about Micah- is she warm enough? Is she too warm? Is she breathing? Is she eating enough? Is she reaching her milestones? The list goes on...

I worry about Kirk- is he feeling ok? Is he still trusting God with our finances and future? Did we make the right decision in coming to Scotland?

... and I worry about myself? Am I always going to be able to take care of Micah? Will my health stay as strong as it is? What if something happens to me? 

Do you know what my conclusion is? I know that all of these thoughts are a "normal" part of life, but I don't want to just let them pass by without actively fighting them by (ironically enough) handing them over to Someone who is far more capable to carry these and face them head-on.

I don't want to be this way (speaking in reference to my previously mentioned issue), but I'm not going to beat myself up about it. I'm learning how to receive grace in my weak moments and choose to trust God and His faithfulness and sovereignty in our lives.

The truth is I have no idea what may or may not happen to us today, tomorrow, or 5 years from now. One thing I can say (confidently) is that spending night after night wrestling and thinking I can direct us will only leave me more anxious, tired, and afraid.

Thank you, Lord, for giving us a way out of our fearful, worried condition. Thank You for holding our lives and our days in your hands! Thank you that your grace (by definition) gives us room to grow.

My prayer for all of us is that we may live more trusting, hope-filled lives. I pray that we may face each new day with one expectation- that God is already there greeting us, and He always will be. 

But now thus says the Lord,
he who created you, O Jacob,
    he who formed you, O Israel:
“Fear not, for I have redeemed you;
    I have called you by name, you are mine.
2 When you pass through the waters, I will be with you;
    and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you;
when you walk through fire you shall not be burned,
    and the flame shall not consume you.
3 For I am the Lord your God,
    the Holy One of Israel, your Savior.

Isaiah 43: 1-3a

Our unexpected Christmas/Boxing Day gift

Today was a good day, although it began with my usual December 26, post-Christmas sad face. I'm still a child at heart, and it doesn't matter how many Christmases go by in my life; I am always a teary-eyed little girl at the end of Christmas (a little confession). Oh well, that's just me, I guess!

When we woke up this morning, I told Kirk that I would love to go out and have some sort of adventure. After all, he is taking 10 days off to be on "holiday", and now is the time to make the most of it! It took us awhile to come up with an idea, but we eventually decided to head to Portobello beach, and that ended up being a better plan than we expected...

The beach was lit up by the sun (a rarity, as you already know), and there were loads of families lining the promenade, still beaming with holiday cheer. It made me happy just being in the midst of it! I was pleasantly surprised to see that the coffee houses and restaurants were open, considering that today is Boxing Day (a holiday originally marked by generosity).  Some would consider this day to be like a second Christmas, and I like that concept a lot, considering my aforementioned "sad face".

It only seemed right after our 30 minute stroll to enjoy a warm cup of coffee and some soup at The Beach House restaurant.  The only problem was that the place was packed, and there was nowhere to sit.  The host noticed us waiting for a table, but somehow all of the families who came in after us were given a seat first (that's not the generosity part I was referring to, ha).  We were eventually seated at a large table that already had a couple sitting there.  At first I thought, this is super weird.  Why would they put us at a table where people are already seated?  Well, we chose to sit at this table, because we knew it would be awhile to get another table, and maybe we could make new friends.  That is actually what happened.

This lovely couple, Ann and Brian from Manchester, embraced our awkward situation and immediately initiated the conversation.  I was relieved to know that they were talkers, because it helped not make things so odd.  We chatted the entire meal about their experience in the states, their views on health care (yes, people have opinions about ObamaCare here, too), and their family.  They gave us great advice about enjoying Micah and remembering that she needs our time more than she needs our money (I'm glad, because ministry makes people so wealthy).  Their kindness was evident in the way they randomly offered to help us out if we need anything during our stay here, gave us some new coffee shops to try out, and surprised us at the end of the meal with a card with their number on it, and a surprise free lunch.  I just sat there drop-jawed at the whole situation.  I remember my mom (and several others) prayed specifically for someone to be like a stand-in Gramma while we are here, and Ann even emphasized that she is an "experienced grandmother" who is ready at any time for a cuddle. 

I'm pretty sure God had something to do with this day.  I am amazed at His provision and kindness toward us.  We could have sat around all day and stared at the wall.  I could have stayed in my "sad face" mode.  We could have turned this into a chore day, but what God had for us was better (as it usually is) - meeting wonderful new people, who we know love Him, and who genuinely express His heart towards others.  That's Christmas, right there!  I'm so grateful for Ann and Brian, and I have a feeling we will be seeing them soon.

Merry Christmas, everyone!  Happy Boxing Day, too! 

 

Ministry jobs

Kirk is starting to look for ministry jobs, because we are going into the "real world" outside of school after this year-long adventure. We have to think of our next steps whilst still being present here. Only God can do that kind of balancing act! 

Say a prayer... It's gettin' CRAZY-- haha! Jk! But really, say a prayer. We want to make sure we find the best fit for his giftings.

We call it a... They call it a...

A trunk is a boot

A sweater is a jumper 

A buzzer is a hooter (thanks, Andrew)

A doctor's office is a surgery 

Construction paper is scrapbook paper 

7:30 is "half seven"

A nursery is a crèche 

A movie is a film 

A diaper is a nappy

An elevator is a lift

A cup of tea/coffee is a cuppa

A cigarette is a fag

A pooh is a "jobby" (thanks, Gordon)

A scone is pronounced SCON

A cookie is a biscuit 

A biscuit is a SCON 

A little child is a wee child 

A dude is a chap or a lad

If I've been somewhere there, I've bEEn somewhere here 

Just a few deep things I've learned :) 

To be continued...

Tea- my peace offering

Remember me writing about getting kicked out of our flat for electrical rewiring? Well, we had a lovely time at the B and B, but when we came back this is what we found:

-pieces of wire all over the floor in every room

-dust on our couches

-metal pieces and wire all over our bedspread

-and the worst... they used our toilet, left the seat up, and didn't flush it! 

It goes without saying that I was pretty aggravated when we got home from a peaceful couple of days, only to find that our place was a disaster! I probably wouldn't have been as upset if we didn't have a baby who is now rolling everywhere... 

Anyway, we felt like we needed to tell our letting agency who hired these guys, since the electricians reflect their company. Apparently they were told they had to come back to do even more "damage" to the place, and I wanted to know when they were planning on coming, because I had no desire to see any of them- momma bear be MAD! 

Well, Operation Avoid Them at All Costs didn't go according to plan, because I missed the call from our landlord telling me they were coming. So, after a day with Micah, thinking that I was going to hand her off to Kirk and get a little "me time", we got a knock at the door... It was my favorite people. Not only did they come to make a mess, but he asked  me to help him clean up after him, because no one was here to help-what the heck, man? I helped anyway... I was ticked off the whole time, but I figured it was all happening for some reason that would eventually toughen this skin of mine.

After holding the Hoover under his drilling for a good while, these words just slipped out of my mouth as if I couldn't control them (I bet you're expecting some expletives, right?)... "May I get you some tea?" 

He responded, "tea would be lovely, thanks!" 

As I poured his tea with milk and two sugars, I laughed at the whole situation. I decided to give him some cookies, too. I know he wasn't exactly an invited guest in our home, but this whole thing was used I think to help me get over myself and be a "big girl" about it- haha! His tea was my way, I suppose, of forgiving him. 

I will never understand it, but God works in mysterious ways.  As I write this, Kirk is out in the hall telling him why we go to church, because he asked us about it... Weird, huh?!? I'm glad this all happened now. Even though it was terribly inconvenient. Haha!

Striving, striving...

Striving: rooted in sin, trying in my own strength to achieve goals that were not implanted in my heart by God, leads to frustration, failure and broken-heartedness. (My understanding of this word).

I've been praying about this word today. I realize that Jesus came to set us free from this kind of living. Why do I keep choosing to strive when I've been given a way out? Oh, many reasons, but perhaps the main one can be summed up in the words of the hymn "Come, Thou Fount of Every Blessing":

Prone to wander,

Lord I feel it,

Prone to leave the God I love 

Our human, sinful hearts long for identity and acceptance. We "wander" because we forget the freeing truth of the Gospel- we have been given this amazing gift, but we tend to forget the power and freedom that this Gift offers. I'm reminded in this Christmas season that there is no amount of striving that will ever bring me peace. So, as I wake up each day and fight my desire to wander and achieve some important status, I pray that this will be my attitude:

Here's my heart, Lord

Take and seal it,

Seal it for Thy courts above.

"Be still and know that I am God" 

or

"Cease striving as know that I am God"

Ps. 46:10 (NIV and MSG)

Celebrating with new friends

We are definitely missing our family and friends in the US, but we are excited about the opportunity we have to celebrate Christmas as a family of three in this new, exciting place.

As I mentioned in one of my earlier posts, we love our church community here, and we are grateful for the speedy way God helped us find it! The "short version" of how we found Centrepoint is that Kirk was invited to have lunch with a prospective student before we moved away from Gordon Conwell. This student's family knows our pastor and told us about the church. We sent an email, and Nathan (the cool pastor/friend that he is) invited us to have coffee and helped us navigate some of the ins and outs of being newbies in Edinburgh. He was also once a newbie, as he is an American who moved here 8 years ago :). I'm continually amazed at God's faithfulness and provision! It's encouraging to think back over the past couple of years at the countless times God has directed us into situations like this recent one!

We are now plugging in and getting involved with the worship ministry and offered to host our community group at our place (because of the babyness). We love this church's heart for the people of Edinburgh! I feel like there is such a genuineness amongst the group that challenges me to check my "Christianese" at the door and just love people. There are a lot of students from the university who attend the church, as well as young adults and families. We feel honored to be part of this group, and we hope we can be an encouragement to them in the way they have been to us! 

It's hard to be taken out of the familiar and the comfortable, because we often have to feel pain of letting go/missing home, but the lessons we are learning and the people we are meeting here are worth it all! We are learning to value and appreciate so many aspects of the culture here- I can't even name them all (I'll save that for a future post)! 

Speaking of the people we are meeting, we had a great time celebrating Jesus with them today! We had a Christmas service that led into a festive (and quite funny) celebration. It was a wonderful way to get me out of my homesick "funk", to say the least. All it takes is tacky sweaters, carols, and turning people into Christmas trees- I mean, come on! Does it get any better?!? 👍

Here are a few pics from the day: 

Tacky Jumpers (sweaters)

Our sweet friend Lois- she is HILARIOUS and sings like an ANGEL!

These are two of our friends', the Daleys, kids (Eisley and Maevelynn). We met them through some mutual friends- that's a cool story, too!

Monkey shot! Like Micah's "stink eye"?

I'm so proud to be married to the winner of the tacky contest! It's dreamy :).

Everyday gets better here! Learning to let go and embrace this adventure! Sometimes I have a what the heck moment and realize we are in Scotland! I know we would regret it if we didn't take advantage of this opportunity. Life takes us crazy places, but going along for the ride is much easier than fighting the Driver!

A wee holiday at the Ardleigh

Our landlord decided that our flat needs to be rewired completely, so we got booted out for a couple of days. Oh man, what a drag, right? Quite the opposite, actually! We have been given a free 2-night stay at a local B and B, and it is amazing! It's so fun that we get this little "staycation", especially since we can't go home for Christmas.

So, a big thanks to our friend Mike for making this happen! We are having a great time!

My heart about posting photos, videos, and "moments" across the pond

So, I admit it... my love for community compels me to share countless photos, videos, and stories about our life over here.

The truth behind the matter is that I'm homesick... the closest family we have is 3,000 miles away, and it is a comforting feeling to share sweet Micah moments (and a few others) with those we love.  We have a lot of people who ask for videos and photos, and it is a bit overwhelming to constantly send out email after email, so I just post for friends and loved ones in our social media "family".

I sometimes wrestle with this, because I know it seems pretty self-absorbed to announce the goings-on in the Patterson world day in and day out, but I guess I'll let the Lord guide my heart on this one, instead of letting insecurity motivate my decisions. 

And here is a recent reflection about it:

I'm aware that many moments should be left within these four walls of our home, and even though I am very open about what I'm learning, I still seek to use discretion as much as I know how.  I recently listened to a podcast about social media and our motives for posting and sharing.  It motivated me to check myself before hitting the "post" button.  Lately, I have been thinking quite a bit about this, and I realize that sometimes my motives are probably not as pure as they could be.  Perhaps my homesickness and feelings that we may be "missing out" on others' lives drives me to self-promote in a way that says "don't forget about us, we're important..." gross, right?  God, help me!

As I learn this lesson, I am praying that God will guide my use of social media in a way that brings honor to Him, so that I don't elevate the Patterson (or Shelby) name above His.  This is not always easy, but I'm challenged to work on it.

Thanks for letting me share my heart.  It's a healthy outlet for me.

Faithful in whatever...

What an eventful weekend in the sports world- Auburn BEAT Alabama in the last second!  Wow!  It was fun to watch all of the fans celebrate a rare moment like that.  As Kirk and I watched the replays, there was a posting along the side of each page that read something like "Paul Walker pronounced dead" or "Fast and Furious star dies in car crash".  Oh, man- that was tough to see, not because Paul Walker was famous, but because behind all the glitz and glam, he had a family, a 15-year-old daughter, and a life.  I tend to get quite emotional when I hear of people passing away, because I am sobered.  Life is so fleeting, and whether we have busy days or monotonous days, those days are precious.
I often get sad when Kirk walks out the door in the morning, because I am afraid I may feel bored throughout my day, but when I pray about the typical routines of the day, one word comes to mind (and it's not always an easy to live out): faithfulness.  I am so blessed to have this new day, whether it is filled with cleaning, adventuring, or baby babble, and I have a choice- do I complain and think that my life is boring, or do I embrace the sweetness of each day, knowing that I'm not entitled to it.
The words to a Chris Rice song came into my head as I prayed for those who are mourning right now (Paul Walker's family and those who are in the Philippines piecing their lives back together).  The words challenged and encouraged me at the same time as I start my week. 

Teach us to count the days
Teach us to make the days count
Lead us in a better way
Somehow our souls forgot,
life means so much,
life means so much, 
life means so much.

Life is a gift- full of great, hard, and messy moments.  I am challenged to live more presently, more fully in those moments.

Whatever we find ourselves doing today, may we be faithful in the busy and the monotonous, alike. 

Thankful, mixed emotions...

Happy Thanksgiving! What a wonderful holiday filled with tradition and the over-abundance of groceries! I am sitting here this morning, looking out my window at the city of Edinburgh, and I am grateful that we get to spend this evening with new friends at our new church, but it would be dishonest of me to say I am not struggling at the same time. There is a battle between the adventurous side of me that says it's fun to make new traditions and the sentimental, nostalgic side of me that says  where the heck is my family?.
Needless to say, I'm spending quite a bit of time this morning (thankfully Micah is a wonderful sleeper) going before The Lord and asking Him to show me what Thanksgiving looks like from His perspective. If we look at it from His eye-view, I think we find that it doesn't just fall on the fourth Thursday of every November, but rather, it falls whenever we turn to Him and adore Him and celebrate what we have in Him (which is a bunch)!
As I thank God for this precious little family of three that I have and traditions, new and old, I am reminded that whether I am in a room full of people or I'm by myself (like right now), I have the closest friend imaginable. His name is Jesus, and he's pretty wonderful. The words to an old hymn flooded my mind this morning, and they brought me a lot of joy:

1. What a friend we have in Jesus,
   All our sins and griefs to bear!
   What a privilege to carry
   Everything to God in prayer!
   Oh, what peace we often forfeit,
   Oh, what needless pain we bear,
   All because we do not carry
   Everything to God in prayer!
2. Have we trials and temptations?
   Is there trouble anywhere?
   We should never be discouraged—
   Take it to the Lord in prayer.
   Can we find a friend so faithful,
   Who will all our sorrows share?
   Jesus knows our every weakness;
   Take it to the Lord in prayer.
3. Are we weak and heavy-laden,
   Cumbered with a load of care?
   Precious Savior, still our refuge—
   Take it to the Lord in prayer.
   Do thy friends despise, forsake thee?
   Take it to the Lord in prayer!
   In His arms He’ll take and shield thee,
   Thou wilt find a solace there.
4. Blessed Savior, Thou hast promised
   Thou wilt all our burdens bear;
   May we ever, Lord, be bringing
   All to Thee in earnest prayer.
   Soon in glory bright, unclouded,
   There will be no need for prayer—
   Rapture, praise, and endless worship
   Will be our sweet portion there.
5. So, however you're spending your holiday, be encouraged that you are loved and you're never alone. Jesus is the best comforter, and his never off-duty. In fact, he LOVES when we turn our affection toward him. 
6. Have a beautiful, thankful, joy-filled November 28!

Oh, launderette! I'm glad we met!

In light of the recent bug that came into our home with a vengeance, we developed quite the massive mountain of laundry (I'm talking 4-5 loads).  Not sure how many people know this about the UK, but many homes do not come with a dryer, so the common thing to do is to hang-dry clothes.  This aforementioned type of drying was not going to cut it for me if I was going to have a peaceful weekend free from said mountain.  That's when I went searching for an alternative method of cleaning our clothes, and it changed my world... no joke- I was like a kid in a candy store about this laundry place (I know, I'm pretty easy to thrill, I guess)!

I called the launderette to see if they had any machines open, and this woman answered the phone with one of the thickest Scottish accent I have heard since being here, and after every statement she made, she referred to me as "meh darlin'"... I knew I had called the right place.  I mean, that's the perfect mix of southern and Scottish hospitality.  I had to check this place out.

Instead of boring you with a complete chronology of events that occurred at this marvelous place, I will give you the top five reasons why I am a believer in coin-operated laundry as opposed to the home-drying system:

1. As previously stated, dryers!  No more stinky sweatshirts and jeans!  I used to hate having to pay for the washers and dryers at Gordon Conwell, but that system is a step above what we have now, so I retro-actively appreciate what we had :) ha!
2. A moment away for this mama- Gill, the "meh darlin'" lady serves tea, coffee, and biscuits (cookies) to her clients- yes, please!
3. Workers that call you, "meh darlin'" and remind you of your grandmother
4. All the week's laundry is complete in two hours, as opposed to staring at drying racks in the living room every waking moment (we have a baby, remember).
5. It's just FUN!

This concludes my commercial.  Thanks for enduring this randomness!

Stomping on the "Virus from the Black Lagoon"

So, it all started a couple of weeks ago when we were leaving to go to London... Remember that cough I was talking about?  Well, Micah has apparently been fighting the same "bug" that caused that... and it she's a trooper. 

All week Micah has been "off", and I could tell because she hasn't been her usual self, which typically consists of all-day smiles and happy babble. It all came to a yucky head yesterday when she woke up.  We heard her making a shrill-like, miserable cry, and we both knew she was not having a good day.  She is pretty good at communicating how she's feeling, which is a characteristic I love about her. 

She had a snot-covered, red-eyed, splotchy face, but she was still trying hard to smile when we greeted her... it just wasn't easy, because she was a wee bit frustrated about life at that particular moment.  As the morning progressed, I felt her getting hotter to the touch, and as diaper changes continued to increase in number due to sneeze-induced "sharts", I decided it was time to call her new GP (General Practitioner).  When I called, she immediately responded and agreed to see MG as soon as we could get to the office- thank you NHS (National Heath Service)! 

The doc was kind and gentle with Micah.  She told me that she is battling a virus, and that it could take up to 3 weeks to completely fade out of her system- what?  That's crazy talk!  You mean I have to battle this spitty, pukey, mucusy, laundry-backlogging, miserable beast-of-a-virus for THAT long?  We decided this is probably the worst of it, and that she's on her way to her happy self in no time (a prayer in faith-ha).

When I put Micah down for her nap yesterday, I breathed a sigh of relief, because I had a "moment" of calm, and as I poured my coffee I heard so clearly in my mind this phrase, "freely you have received, freely give."  Hmmm... what do you mean, Lord?  I wrestled with this thought for a few moments, and then I thought I'd go to the source of this phrase-Matthew 10 (I didn't just know this reference off the top of my head, I had to search a bit- I'm not a Bible School "scholar" :) ). 

As I read through this passage, I felt a nudge.  This "nudge" was encouraging, yet humbling at the same time, because when I have been talking about "ministry" lately, I thought it referred to loving and  serving others I encounter outside of our home through the day.  But as I read through Jesus' commission to his disciples to give and serve freely, I sensed that God was redirecting the target of my "ministry"- my baby girl.  I spent quite a bit of time thanking God for the 24/7 time I get to spend with her during this year-long adventure, whether it means she's 100% joyful or 100% miserable. 

So, this so called "virus" is gonna be outta here soon, but during the in-between, I choose to love her, wipe her, sing to her, wipe her again, suck her snot, and cuddle. 

All I can say is, grace is good.  I understand a bit more what my mom meant when she said, "you won't understand until you have your own kids..." She mentioned this phrase during multiple situations as Scott and I were growing up, and I "get it" now.

A little "shout out" to parents everywhere- you ROCK at what you do!  You serve your kids with the love that God placed in your heart to give them, and you're doing a great job!  "Freely you have received, freely give", whether that be your babies, toddlers, tweens or grown kids... or anyone else!  Ministry is messy-sometimes quite literally :), but keep going, and even when you feel you've reached your "limit", there's more strength available to you, just ask.

Thanks for the love, Momma!  Thanks for "freely giving" to us.  Thanks for not expecting anything in return and for setting a beautiful example of how God interacts with us.

"Down by the Bay"

There is nothing quite like walking to church on a crisp, sunny morning in Edinburgh while following behind a "wee" red-headed Scottish girl (in pigtails, no less) singing for all the world to hear, "Down by the Bay, where the 'oak trees' grow..."  I guess she made up her own version, or maybe they sing it a bit differently here.  Either way, Kirk and I just loved watching this girl, because even when she noticed that we were listening, she turned back around and kept on going.  I loved how carefree and confident she was!  That's a great start to a day, if you ask me!

I really enjoyed church today!  It is always great, because the people are so welcoming, but today was especially wonderful because of what I learned.  Our new friend Gordon spoke about welcoming "outsiders" to the feast/banquet (from a parable in Luke 14), and a couple of points he made truly struck a chord in me.  He referred to the phrase, "hurt people hurt people", which is such a true statement, but he challenged us to allow the Lord and this passage to guide us to live by a twist on that: "welcomed people welcome people" and "forgiven people forgive people".  Those thoughts resonate with me, because Kirk and I are training for ministry, and the concept of opening our home and our lives so that others are included is essential if we want others to see a picture of how Jesus would interact with them. 

So often we find ourselves wanting to interact only with those who are similar to us, because it's is comfortable or less of a hassle, but I guess that's not our full potential or responsibility as believers, is it?  I was challenged this morning, because I am the kind of person that seeks out relationships that tend to have some sort of common ground, but I know that the Holy Spirit is guiding me to open myself to other possibilities.  This means I have to let go and give God my plans and expectations of who my "friends" will be, which I'm not always keen to do.  We have been given such a gift in having an invitation to enjoy friendship and community with God, and so out of that, we are invited to extend this joy to anyone and everyone.  It's just not always easy.

I'm thankful for this afternoon, because I have been able to sit and think on this truth while Micah kicks and plays on her mat.  As much as I love community, today has been a day to sit inside, watch the rain start to pour, drink tea, and listen to John Coltrane's version of "My Favorite Things". 

Kirk went to his first rugby game ever with some friends from school.  He was excited to see the match-up between Scotland and South Africa- I bet it's a messy, intense game, because it is now a stereotypical wet Scottish afternoon.  I'm looking forward to hearing the highlights.  I'm hoping he is enjoying the game as most do, with a pint in hand :) ha!

To sum it up, a little musical, Scottish redhead singing at the top of her lungs, a great message (thanks, Gordon), tea, and rugby have made for a great day on all accounts!

Luke 14:12-14

English Standard Version (ESV)

The Parable of the Great Banquet

¹² He said also to the man who had invited him, “When you give a dinner or a banquet, do not invite your friends or your brothers or your relatives or rich neighbors, lest they also invite you in return and you be repaid. ¹³ But when you give a feast, invite the poor, the crippled, the lame, the blind, ¹⁴ and you will be blessed, because they cannot repay you. For you will be repaid at the resurrection of the just.”

"Down By the Bay":
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aIlMyNXmfcM 

"My Favorite Things":
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qWG2dsXV5HI

So thankful.

I had a "moment" with Micah today when it seemed like time stopped. I was changing her diaper and kissing her sweet face, and then I just stared at her for a few minutes. In that moment, tears began streaming down my face. I can't explain what I felt- I haven't ever felt it before, but I am sure every momma knows what I mean.  I love this girl with more gusto than I knew I had, and I am blown away by the sweet spirit and joyful countenance that she already displays!

What an honor it is to steward this life! What a privilege to watch her grow and change with each passing day!

Thank You, Jesus! Please give us the grace, wisdom, and discernment we need to care for her as You would.

The season is changing here in Scotland, and the days are growing shorter, but when I start to feel hopeless or weary, I remember this little piece of God's heart that I get to hold everyday. Wow...

That's all for today!

London was fun-don!

We had a wonderful time visiting with our close friend Ash in London. When we headed down on the train, it was exciting as we remembered that our trip was free! This was such a special treat, because every bit of the money we saved for exploring around Europe was used during the visa debacle. God provided this fun trip for us along with a great visit with a dear friend and her family.

We arrived in London late Saturday night, and when we got there, I wasn't feeling too well, and Micah had a yucky cough. My first thought when we stepped into Ash's sister's house was maybe we shouldn't have come. I mean, we aren't even officially registered with a doctor, and what if Micah's cough causes her such discomfort that we need emergency help.  But after praying off and on for several hours, we decided to let go and trust The Lord with our precious, coughing baby.  Kirk and I finally rested, because she wasn't wheezing, she was eating fine, and she fell asleep peacefully. In the midst of my crazy new mom anxiety, I was reminded that God loves Micah waaaaay more than I ever could, and He has her little life in His hands.  I realize that this is small potatoes compared to some of the lessons we have yet to learn on our parenting journey-haha! Kirk and I prayed that if we needed to call a doctor, The Lord would give us the discernment we needed. From that point, we slept from about 4:30-7 am, and we were honestly relieved when it was time to get out of bed, because we were tired of the ups and downs that happened throughout the midnight battle between the Sleep/Cough Showdown of 2013!

The morning was relaxed as we woke up to a nice English breakfast made my Ash's brother-in-law. It was interesting chatting with him about his line of work in the police force in London. Apparently there is rarely any gun crime in the whole UK (must be nice). But, there is the occasionally "bum stabbing" that takes place as initiation into local gangs. Now, don't get me wrong, stabbing anyone is horrible, but when I found out the location and the minor injures of the aforementioned stabbing (the hind parts- hehe) I cracked up laughing! I was nervous that I laughed, but was at ease to see Ash's BIL, Liam, laughing, too!  Sometimes you just gotta laugh (or cry) at the crazy things people do!

London was amazing! Some highlights: London Eye, Big Ben, Houses of Parliament, St. James Park and pelican-feedings, Westminster Abbey, Buckingham Palace, and Hamley's toy store. What an amazing way to spend the day! It felt like Christmas! I told Kirk and Ash that I didn't want the day to end! It was seriously one of the best days I have had in a long time!

I'm so thankful that God helped me power through my anxiety/worried-sickness the night before so that we could enjoy the gift He provided for us through this trip. We may not have many more getaways like that during our year here, so we were beyond grateful for such a short and sweet adventure.

Check out some pics from our day:

Piccadilly Circus

Buckingham Palace guard in winter gear (apparently the red jackets aren't warm enough :) )

Westminster Abbey on Remembrance Sunday (a day when the fallen British veterans are honored)

The London Eye

Micah is telling the lego "Queen" what she wants for Christmas.  This picture was taken at the most incredible toy store we have ever seen- Hamley's on Regent Street.  It has 5 stories of eye-poppin' fun!

Ash, our wonderful friend, and her daughter Amirah

Big Ben sang to us

So thankful to have such a beautiful day to explore the city.  Kirk and Micah in front of the parliament building.

Taking a break

Possibly my favorite moment of the day-watching this man feed the pelicans in St. James' Park! 

"I'm flexy and I know it!"

We need God.

I woke up this morning with a bit of a heavy heart. Not because there is anything necessarily bad going on, but because I mourn for those who have been told mixed messages about the nature and character of God, and now they have become jaded. Oh, how I grieve this!
As I read through Facebook and other social media, I am reminded of how many perspectives there are about church, religion, and Jesus himself. The only solution I could arrive at in my heart is that there IS hope and Jesus IS working to draw all men, women, and children to His heart. I'm weary at how hard it is in our society for Him to clear away the noise and confusion that has been caused by... well, I can't even name all the causes.
I feel like His Truth has become relative in our attempts to make His message relevant. I am sad that people don't know how loved and valued they are by the One True Love. I am sad that it seems people (myself included) don't always trust God's Truth and go searching for some other "truth" to find comfort and validation.
I want my friends who (at some point in their lives) have tasted the goodness of The Lord to know that He is not finished pursuing them. I want them to know how His heart breaks for them to sense His TRUE nature- not a man-made gospel that is clothed in good intentions, but still misses the point. I want God's heart to be made known so freely and so lovingly- but this can't happen if we, the Church, continue to make it about us and our programs.
In order for God's name to be made famous, there needs to be a re-wiring amongst those who are unwilling to let Love take us to inconvenient, "yucky" places-places that might make others "think things" about us.
We need God. Everyone needs God. And we need to let God direct our methods of "messaging". May  God give us grace and mercy as we try and try again to keep His Message clear of our muddy one.
May those who are jaded take heart- He WILL finish what He started and He WILL show you an unpolluted version of Himself.

2 Corinthians 4:5-6
For what we preach is not ourselves, but Jesus Christ as Lord, and ourselves as your servants for Jesus’ sake.
For God, who said, “Let light shine out of darkness,” made his light shine in our hearts to give us the light of the knowledge of God’s glory displayed in the face of Christ.

Community

I had a thought just now...

Community (with the Father and others) is the lifeblood that will sustain us during any life change.

The more I engage in the community around me, the more excited I become about the stage of life I am currently in. A few days ago, I found myself constantly wondering what everyone "back at home" was doing, but as I started meeting friends and making plans, my heart made room for more relationships. Letting go is so hard, because there is a fear that sometimes sneaks in, like "they may forget about you" or worse (in my opinion) "they are having fun without you"... Well, I say "lies lies, go away. Come again NEVER!" I'm grateful that He uses times of change to call us out of ourselves and into community. Community, well healthy community, has always been a catalyst for God-nearness in my life, and I know this to be true because of what happens to me when I am tempted to take myself out of it- I can drift into a fearful, despairing person, full of arrogance and a desire to be the best.
I remember when I was trying I qualify for the Boston marathon a few years ago... My goal was so ingrained in my mind that when given an opportunity to run with friends, I often chose not to, because I was too driven by my self-proclaimed purpose. I was hit hard one morning when my two training buddies asked me to run with them. I sensed God's spirit convicting my heart in such a clear way that it was as though He said, "I have given you the ability to run, but I don't want it to be about you. I want you to run in groups so that you can enjoy relationships." Now, I didn't audibly hear these words, but this was the sense that I had as I headed out the door... alone. I continued to run solo several times, and then race day came. Guess who didn't qualify for Boston? You guessed it! Now, hear my heart- I am in no way saying that people are misguided if they have personal dreams and goals that are achieved alone, but I am merely suggesting that it is often difficult to maintain a humble posture if the dream or goal is not implanted by God.
Although I didn't enjoy the feeling of celebration that athletes have after breaking records, I crossed the finish line having learned a valuable lesson about the importance of "doing life" WITH people as opposed to "doing life" parallel to them.
Living in Massachusetts did a number on my independent, self-focused heart, because the hall where we lived was full of couples who were at the same stage of life. It was hard for me to open up the first year living there, because I had marathon-crazy tunnel vision. As our second and third years rolled around, I developed some of the strongest, most valuable relationships I have ever had (aside from you guys, Meggie and Liz). If I could sum up my time there in one word, it would be friends.
Now, we are in Edinburgh, and it's tough to move forward, but I'm beginning to realize that I don't operate very well if I don't make friends. Just this week, we have started attending a small group, and I am making friends with other "mums" here. I am so grateful for the way they have reached out to us! This process is handled more easily with an open heart!

"Enough ness"

Woke up this morning, to a simple revelation- God is pleased with his kids without us doing ANYTHING to deserve it.
This truth is tough for me to grasp, because I sometimes feel I need to DO something to believe I have value. The fact that I spend my days as a "stay at home"/"stay on the go" mom doesn't always feel fulfilling in the way of a accomplishing a certain mission or purpose. But, what a lie!

Just because I recognize it as a lie doesn't mean that I don't wrestle with the tension. As I was reminded of the grace and righteousness ("enough ness") that God freely gives, I thought of this:

Thank You for Your redemption package with no strings attached
What a joy and honor it is to have this gift- a gift that loves to be shared and loves to pour out, but never run out
A love that makes room even when it seems like it's impossible to find space
A love that sees through even the most broken, addicted-to-anything else heart and finds a lonely, hurting child in need of rescue
As the love spills in, the lies, pain, and insecurity are smothered by its powerful flood
What remains?
Complete peace, joy, and a beatiful desire to search after the Source of this wonderful wellspring
Day after day, the flood continues...
Never-ending...
Always giving...
Smothering the dry, cracked, damaged places
Old, dry hearts are new and refreshed
What a transformation!
What an exciting change has been made when this powerful flood enters in!
Believe it, for it is true!
If you're doubtful, that's ok, too!
The Source will reveal itself again and again...
It's pursuit doesn't end-
For its business is to see hearts on the mend.
-------

I'm  grateful that God loves us so perfectly and uniquely. I pray that as we all get to know Him more fully, our hearts will receive His perfect love. May we not be confused- there is nothing that makes us inelligible for it!

Have an awesome day!

Settling into a rhythm

Pattersons at Portobello

Kirk and I have come to the realization that even though we missed each other terribly while we were apart, we still have to adjust to the patterns that we both established seperately during this past month. He had days that were baby free and could focus on his work for as long as possible, and I had every one of Micah's grandparents to lean on daily. So, we are here now, and it is a beautiful thing- it is just taking some time to figure out our "roles" (I don't really like that word, because it doesn't usually attach itself to grace) as I stay with Micah through the day and Kirk is at school. I am also noticing that God has a purpose beyond school for us to be here. We are being refined and drawn closer to Him and each other on a regular basis. We are consistently evaluating our motives and our focus to ensure that neither one of us operate with an independent heart. It's a weird balancing act that cannot be attempted outside of God's spirit, because in an effort to work in step with Kirk and his busy school schedule, I have to be mindful of my tendency to be too dependent (on him) for affirmation and attention. Like I said, without grace, this would be like shoving elephants into a straw!
Our focus this week is to simply enjoy being together, being completely honest (which I admit is a toughy), and settling in without unrealistic expectations of ourselves and each other. Thank you, Jesus for guiding this process!

The adventures continue as we explore Edinburgh and the surrounding areas. Yesterday, Micah and I traveled into the city centre and enjoyed the national gallery, library and museum. It was a FULL day, but since she is so portable, I'm milking it (and she is milking me...Kirk's addition to the blog)!

Today, the three of us walked about 2 miles down the road to Portobello Beach, which reminds me quite a bit of Hampton Beach, NH, where my mom grew up. They have a nice promenade, which was quite entertaining due to the witty banter between locals and their families :) gotta love the Scottish sense of humor!  There are art shops, coffee shops, and attractions for all ages, so this will probably be a frequent stop for us.

At the beach, we were excited to see that there is a Scottish equivalent to a New England favorite-the cider donut, and we tried it as we set beside the beach. They serve these little "crumbs" with Nutella as a dip- super yummy!

It was such a great family day, and I'm pumped to have more of them!

Daddy/Daughter love

Cider donuts and Nutella dip

Adventures with Little MG

 We have had two beautiful, mostly sunny days in Edinburgh since being back, and I have to say it is just what we need to get acquainted with our new "home".  Today, before setting out to have lunch and a walk in the Princes Street Gardens, I sat at one of my new favorite cozy coffee shops, drank my Earl Grey tea, and watched Micah sleep.  The one word that kept coming to my mind as I savored the peaceful moment was contentment.  I have been told numerous "you can learn a lot from your children".  I just wasn't aware that it would start when they were four months old!  She has been dragged across the Atlantic ocean three times, taken all over Tennessee, Massachusetts, and New Hampshire, and she manages to do it all through naps, laughs, occasional cries, playtime and feedings. 
I know she hasn't had a choice in the matter, but she has been one consistent blessing to Kirk and me through the many transitions we have encountered.  This is not my attempt at bragging about my baby, though she is pretty amazing :) - It is simply a realization that she can go with the flow of the day, without a set routine (yet), and she is getting what she needs in the midst of it all.  Whoa!  That can preach!  To all of us moms (or anyone else, really) who find it hard to "go with the flow" because of a need to maintain control, take courage (or comfort, or whatever) in this thought- Our Father is pretty good at giving us what we need.  I do not aim to talk as though I am a preschool Sunday School teacher who is patting kiddos on the back and cheering them on.  I truly believe that He is watching out for His kids, and that He is here-with us-to bring peace through uncertainty, change, heartache, loneliness, health issues... all of it.  He's here and He is much better at taking care of our colorful, though often messy, lives than we are. My favorite passage touches on this very thing:

 

Psalm 91 (taken from Bible Gateway)

¹ Whoever dwells in the shelter of the Most High
    will rest in the shadow of the Almighty.^[a]
2 I will say of the Lord, “He is my refuge and my fortress,
    my God, in whom I trust.”

³ Surely he will save you
    from the fowler’s snare
    and from the deadly pestilence.
⁴ He will cover you with his feathers,
    and under his wings you will find refuge;
    his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart.
⁵ You will not fear the terror of night,
    nor the arrow that flies by day,
⁶ nor the pestilence that stalks in the darkness,
    nor the plague that destroys at midday.
⁷ A thousand may fall at your side,
    ten thousand at your right hand,
    but it will not come near you.
⁸ You will only observe with your eyes
    and see the punishment of the wicked.

⁹ If you say, “The Lord is my refuge,”
    and you make the Most High your dwelling,
¹⁰ no harm will overtake you,
    no disaster will come near your tent.
¹¹ For he will command his angels concerning you
    to guard you in all your ways;
¹² they will lift you up in their hands,
    so that you will not strike your foot against a stone.
¹³ You will tread on the lion and the cobra;
    you will trample the great lion and the serpent.

¹⁴ “Because he^[b] loves me,” says the Lord, “I will rescue him;
    I will protect him, for he acknowledges my name.
¹⁵ He will call on me, and I will answer him;
    I will be with him in trouble,
    I will deliver him and honor him.
¹⁶ With long life I will satisfy him
    and show him my salvation.”

View of "Old Town" from Princes Street Gardens

Another view from the gardens.  Edinburgh Castle is in the background. 

Bundled up and loving the day!

Thanks for the teachable moment, MG!  May His peace keep us all steady, hopeful, and in "go with the flow" mode.  And when we forget to let Him do it, may we take a huge grace bath and keep on goin'! 

Lessons from a month of separation

It is so wonderful to be back in Scotland with Kirk after this crazy whirlwind! I realize, after a lot of prayer and encouragement from many of you, that God had purposes behind this time that we are still discovering. To sum it up, here is what we have come to appreciate, so far, about the visa frustrations:
1. Receive graciously. Being back at home left me aware of my needs- It is very difficult to parent without a spouse around, and I have a lot of compassion for those who do it regularly. My parents, Kirk's parents, and countless others willingly inconvenienced themselves to take us to appointments, shopping for winter clothes, and coffee breaks. I was blessed with massages, chiropractic adjustments (a Christian chiro who actually prayed over me for wellness and wholeness during a time when everything, body and mind, was out of alignment), and even a trip to the zoo with Meg and her sweet boys. While we were being loved-on and pampered in the U.S., several new friends cooked meals for Kirk and invited him into their homes. I am so thankful for that!
2. Fear is a cancer of the mind. Throughout our month apart, I was tempted to fear, period. You name it, I worried about it... Financial fears, health-related fears, safety... A lot of that was brought to light, because this short season drew me to pray more than usual. I sensed The Lord drawing me to His word for comfort and encouragement, and it caused this overwhelming sense of peace to settle in. It's such a hard concept to trust in God's mysterious plan for our lives, but He promises that He goes before us, and that He won't forsake us in the middle of whatever mess or celebration we encounter. Being uncomfortable circumstance-wise, whatever it looks like for each individual, is actually the best classroom!
3. Just Be. There were days when it seemed like nothing was getting accomplished on the visa-front. These days, at first, stressed me out, because I didn't want Kirk to feel like I wasn't trying. He never thought that, but does that really ever stop me from thinking these crazy things?! Ha! As the trip extended, I just decided to enjoy the wonderful blessings of watching family member after family member enjoy our baby. We spent several days with some very dear friends, too. Oh, how perfectly planned is God's timing!
4. Jesus truly loves us and speaks our own individual love languages. Kirk was frequently led to sing songs and play his guitar- he didn't realize until the songs were over that God was speaking directly to the areas that were bothering him. Jesus specifically ministered to me by allowing me to experience the fall weather that I've loved since I was five. Micah and I even went to a pumpkin patch! We know that Jesus knows our needs, but our experiences this past month suggest that He also knows our desires and cares about them!
5. Relationships are the "better thing". Before leaving Scotland, I was preoccupied with fixing every little asthetically unpleasing part of our apartment. When Micah and I came back, I relaxed and was welcomed to a beautiful place that is "home" all its own simply because of who lives there. Thanks, Jesus, for lovingly showing me how ridiculous I can be sometimes :).

So, here we are- back in this place that I appreciate significantly more than before. I am excited to meet new friends and pick up where we left off.

Here's to "Scotland, it's nice to meet you", Part II.

I have returned feeling more free and content as the mystery unfolds.

Home again, home again, jiggity jig...well, just 2/3 of us :(

We have been on a crazy ride thus far, and it looks as though it is getting crazier!  This Thursday, sweet Micah and I are heading home to TN, because the visa process for both of us has been stopped, and we have to start again... whew, what a headache, huh?!?

The story behind the story is that when we were applying for visas, we totally misunderstood what it meant by Micah and I being labeled as "dependents" when traveling with Kirk.  We realized our little faux pas when Kirk looked at the fine print of his visa application, which basically stated that Micah and I are required to have separate visas, even though we are his dependents.  Oh, how little we know about international travel :(... Lord, have mercy!!! Haha!

We were hopeful when leaving the US, because we read that MG and I could be on a three month "visitor pass" and apply for our UK visa during those months.  Here's the rub... are you ready for it???

We can't apply for a visa here in the UK, because, wait for it... we flew through IRELAND, which apparently means we are prohibited from applying for our UK visa internally.  Somewhere in the crazy mix of things, we missed the fact that flying through Dublin was apparently a huge 'debacle', as my family likes to put it.

I guess the silver lining in all of this is that a lot of our family who haven't met Micah can meet her for the first time.  I hate that we have to leave Kirk here alone, and I hate that we have had so many crashes. 

God is in control, and we are trusting Him.  The adventure keeps getting more...umm...adventurous!

Stay tuned.

And so it begins!

Today is the first day that Kirk will start his 9-5 study/writing. As we sat staring out our window last night, looking at a beautiful view of this city, I had a mix of emotions. First, I am going to miss having him around, like he was in Massachusetts when MG was born. Next, I felt a little scared, because there are still a lot of logistics that need to be figured out with my visa, which means we don't have healthcare (for Micah or me) until we get the bumps ironed out. The reason for the fear, aside from being a new mom in a new country, is that two nights ago, one of my worries was realized as I woke up to a snotty-nosed, helpless little baby. Yep, you guessed it- she caught 'Daddy's' cold. After the series of setbacks we had already experienced, this was just par for the course. And man, let me tell you- I handled it so beautifully... NOT!!! I immediately called my mom through FaceTime, with my 4 am, punk rocker hair and cried hysterically that I wanted to come home or have her here 'NOW'! I told her that I just can't handle anymore of these stressors and that I am tired of being tested. After all, we don't even have our phones set up, and "what if something were to happen?!" Do you hear Peace in my rant!? I surely don't. I need to get reaquainted with Him again. To add to my medley of emotions about our routine kicking off, I feel hopeful. I am hopeful that I will get to know some friends and that we will find some exciting places to visit. I am hopeful that Kirk enjoys writing and growing in his ability to communicate Truth. And I am also hopeful that I will get to know Jesus on a deeper level.

I became aware last night (with the help of my sage of a husband) that my life has typically looked like Jesus+______. Ever since we have been in Edinburgh, the '+____' has been stripped away (phones, constant community, entertainment, you name it), and I have been left with the question, 'Is Jesus enough for me?'

Ouch.

The truth is that my life often responds to that question with a resounding, 'no'!!

So, here's to hoping that by the time we leave this place, I will answer differently.

Story of the Week: Inconvenience!

One week into this adventure, and I will definitely say it has been a whirlwind.  Trying to figure out international banking, phones, immigration stuff (I still don't have a visa) has had us reach points of frustration that neither one of us have ever seen or heard out of each other.  Kirk and I realize that we have both been in a pressure cooker since Micah was born, and because she was 3.5 weeks early, we didn't really get to prepare for or process her arrival.  In the midst of it all, we were prepping for this trip, and there were so many things to do that it was inevitable that some things would be left undone.  So, here we are- trying to navigate through it all... in sickness and in health, in the easy times, and while boiling in the pressure cooker, right?!

I thought my birthday was the pinnacle of stress, but today topped it!  Kirk has been struggling with this cold-like/fever bug for a couple of days, and we haven't had the opportunity been to press pause, because of all of his orientation stuff+an 11-week-old who loves to be loved.  He decided to go in for some meetings and errands this morning, and as I headed to meet him, I noticed him limping as he rounded the corner.  Well, folks- Kirk has sprained his ankle!  The slippery sidewalks of Edinburgh... for the WIN!  Today we used a lot of public transportation, needless to say.

As I mentioned previously regarding the Scots-they don't necessarily focus on convenience, and so not only do our errands and setting up bank accounts, phones, and WiFi take 10 steps, we are now adding a lot more of them because of this setback-haha (well, sort of "haha")!  God is teaching us a TON right now about dependence on Him.  When we are tempted to retreat and come back to our familiar, comfortable lives, we are reminded of how much confirmation went into this trip (between raising all funds in 1.5 months, getting the scholarship, and the affirmation Kirk received regarding his preaching).

Tomorrow is Saturday, and I am thankful!  Here's to putting our feet up (well, I guess I will just join Kirk in his foot-up-ness) and having a bit of what the Scots are good at-rest.

This is what kept coming to mind all day:
"for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. ¹² I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. ¹³ I can do all this through him who gives me strength." Philppians 4:11-13

We certainly don't have the rough circumstances that Paul had (and I am so grateful for it), but for us, this is an arduous experience for us, so here is how I would re-word it:

For I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances.  I know what it is to have my phone working and have a car.  I know what it is to have all of my needs and wants met above and be completely spoiled.  I am learning the secret of being content when I feel cowardly and selfish.  I can do all things through Him who gives me strength.

Amen.

A day to remember...

As a kid, birthdays in the Stallings household were a BIG deal!  We honestly celebrated them for a week at a time, and I felt like the most special kiddo on the planet.  This birthday awesomeness sort of created a compulsive need in me to "shine bright like a diamond" forever and a day, and I became Little Miss Entitled to All Things Good and Shiny and The Queen of I Don't Have to Do Anything I Don't Want To Do Today.  Needless to say, that need to be celebrated is difficult to grow out of, and I probably never will, but God is really great at tempering that aspect of my personality.

I learned a valuable lesson about sharing my birthday 12 years ago... 

I will never forget it- I was in Biology class working on a lab with my best friend Meg (and Kirk was actually sitting right across from me).  The principal's voice was heard across the entire school as we he instructed all teachers to stop teaching and to turn on their TV sets.  Now, for a student to hear that, you'd think it would cause a spontaneous eruption of dance, but it sent chills up and down my body... "What's the deal?  Why are all of these kids checking out of school all of a sudden?"  My friends and I got teary-eyed as we watched the footage of the World Trade Center being crashed into.  My next thought was, this is the worst birthday ever. 

To this day, my birthday is still one of the most exciting days of the year for me, but 9/11/2001 forever stays in my mind.  My heart grieves for those who needlessly lost their lives as they were simply working or traveling, and I pray that God will continue to comfort and restore those who are left to pick up the pieces.

9/11... A great day and a not-so-great-day all rolled into one.

Fast-forward to 9/11/2013- A day that I have been excited about for weeks, because it's my first birthday overseas and as a mommy.  I didn't realize, however that those two changes in my life would cause me to have a birthday that was... let's just say... different than expected.  Remember Little Miss Entitled?  Well, she made an appearance today.

As Kirk worked hard to plan our adventure, we experienced frustration throughout the day as we passed our crying baby across the table at the restaurant, got turned away at places for dessert, because they wouldn't serve families (due to alcohol being served there), and as various shopping places closed waaaaay earlier or opened later than we're used to. 

We got home tonight after what was honestly a stressful birthday, but it was no one's fault except for the expectations held inside Little Miss... Micah cried as we tried to put her to bed, and as things began to calm down, and we were about to cuddle up to watch a movie, Kirk told me he was not feeling well.  The travel, busyness of international transitioning, and being a dad hit him hard-tonight!  Man, this day- oh, how I love my birthday, and oh, how I hate learning to share my birthday love with those around me...

So here I am, up at 11:37 pm as Kirk and Micah are sound asleep in our room, and I am thankful.  I am thankful that Kirk chose to take care of himself and lay down instead of staying up to satisfy my expectations.  I am thankful that my 11-week-old gift from God is finally calm.  I am thankful that God has used this funny chain of events to teach me a valuable lesson... It's not about me.  Even on my day, the love has to be spread around.