"Enough ness"

Woke up this morning, to a simple revelation- God is pleased with his kids without us doing ANYTHING to deserve it.
This truth is tough for me to grasp, because I sometimes feel I need to DO something to believe I have value. The fact that I spend my days as a "stay at home"/"stay on the go" mom doesn't always feel fulfilling in the way of a accomplishing a certain mission or purpose. But, what a lie!

Just because I recognize it as a lie doesn't mean that I don't wrestle with the tension. As I was reminded of the grace and righteousness ("enough ness") that God freely gives, I thought of this:

Thank You for Your redemption package with no strings attached
What a joy and honor it is to have this gift- a gift that loves to be shared and loves to pour out, but never run out
A love that makes room even when it seems like it's impossible to find space
A love that sees through even the most broken, addicted-to-anything else heart and finds a lonely, hurting child in need of rescue
As the love spills in, the lies, pain, and insecurity are smothered by its powerful flood
What remains?
Complete peace, joy, and a beatiful desire to search after the Source of this wonderful wellspring
Day after day, the flood continues...
Never-ending...
Always giving...
Smothering the dry, cracked, damaged places
Old, dry hearts are new and refreshed
What a transformation!
What an exciting change has been made when this powerful flood enters in!
Believe it, for it is true!
If you're doubtful, that's ok, too!
The Source will reveal itself again and again...
It's pursuit doesn't end-
For its business is to see hearts on the mend.
-------

I'm  grateful that God loves us so perfectly and uniquely. I pray that as we all get to know Him more fully, our hearts will receive His perfect love. May we not be confused- there is nothing that makes us inelligible for it!

Have an awesome day!

Settling into a rhythm

Pattersons at Portobello

Kirk and I have come to the realization that even though we missed each other terribly while we were apart, we still have to adjust to the patterns that we both established seperately during this past month. He had days that were baby free and could focus on his work for as long as possible, and I had every one of Micah's grandparents to lean on daily. So, we are here now, and it is a beautiful thing- it is just taking some time to figure out our "roles" (I don't really like that word, because it doesn't usually attach itself to grace) as I stay with Micah through the day and Kirk is at school. I am also noticing that God has a purpose beyond school for us to be here. We are being refined and drawn closer to Him and each other on a regular basis. We are consistently evaluating our motives and our focus to ensure that neither one of us operate with an independent heart. It's a weird balancing act that cannot be attempted outside of God's spirit, because in an effort to work in step with Kirk and his busy school schedule, I have to be mindful of my tendency to be too dependent (on him) for affirmation and attention. Like I said, without grace, this would be like shoving elephants into a straw!
Our focus this week is to simply enjoy being together, being completely honest (which I admit is a toughy), and settling in without unrealistic expectations of ourselves and each other. Thank you, Jesus for guiding this process!

The adventures continue as we explore Edinburgh and the surrounding areas. Yesterday, Micah and I traveled into the city centre and enjoyed the national gallery, library and museum. It was a FULL day, but since she is so portable, I'm milking it (and she is milking me...Kirk's addition to the blog)!

Today, the three of us walked about 2 miles down the road to Portobello Beach, which reminds me quite a bit of Hampton Beach, NH, where my mom grew up. They have a nice promenade, which was quite entertaining due to the witty banter between locals and their families :) gotta love the Scottish sense of humor!  There are art shops, coffee shops, and attractions for all ages, so this will probably be a frequent stop for us.

At the beach, we were excited to see that there is a Scottish equivalent to a New England favorite-the cider donut, and we tried it as we set beside the beach. They serve these little "crumbs" with Nutella as a dip- super yummy!

It was such a great family day, and I'm pumped to have more of them!

Daddy/Daughter love

Cider donuts and Nutella dip

Adventures with Little MG

 We have had two beautiful, mostly sunny days in Edinburgh since being back, and I have to say it is just what we need to get acquainted with our new "home".  Today, before setting out to have lunch and a walk in the Princes Street Gardens, I sat at one of my new favorite cozy coffee shops, drank my Earl Grey tea, and watched Micah sleep.  The one word that kept coming to my mind as I savored the peaceful moment was contentment.  I have been told numerous "you can learn a lot from your children".  I just wasn't aware that it would start when they were four months old!  She has been dragged across the Atlantic ocean three times, taken all over Tennessee, Massachusetts, and New Hampshire, and she manages to do it all through naps, laughs, occasional cries, playtime and feedings. 
I know she hasn't had a choice in the matter, but she has been one consistent blessing to Kirk and me through the many transitions we have encountered.  This is not my attempt at bragging about my baby, though she is pretty amazing :) - It is simply a realization that she can go with the flow of the day, without a set routine (yet), and she is getting what she needs in the midst of it all.  Whoa!  That can preach!  To all of us moms (or anyone else, really) who find it hard to "go with the flow" because of a need to maintain control, take courage (or comfort, or whatever) in this thought- Our Father is pretty good at giving us what we need.  I do not aim to talk as though I am a preschool Sunday School teacher who is patting kiddos on the back and cheering them on.  I truly believe that He is watching out for His kids, and that He is here-with us-to bring peace through uncertainty, change, heartache, loneliness, health issues... all of it.  He's here and He is much better at taking care of our colorful, though often messy, lives than we are. My favorite passage touches on this very thing:

 

Psalm 91 (taken from Bible Gateway)

¹ Whoever dwells in the shelter of the Most High
    will rest in the shadow of the Almighty.^[a]
2 I will say of the Lord, “He is my refuge and my fortress,
    my God, in whom I trust.”

³ Surely he will save you
    from the fowler’s snare
    and from the deadly pestilence.
⁴ He will cover you with his feathers,
    and under his wings you will find refuge;
    his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart.
⁵ You will not fear the terror of night,
    nor the arrow that flies by day,
⁶ nor the pestilence that stalks in the darkness,
    nor the plague that destroys at midday.
⁷ A thousand may fall at your side,
    ten thousand at your right hand,
    but it will not come near you.
⁸ You will only observe with your eyes
    and see the punishment of the wicked.

⁹ If you say, “The Lord is my refuge,”
    and you make the Most High your dwelling,
¹⁰ no harm will overtake you,
    no disaster will come near your tent.
¹¹ For he will command his angels concerning you
    to guard you in all your ways;
¹² they will lift you up in their hands,
    so that you will not strike your foot against a stone.
¹³ You will tread on the lion and the cobra;
    you will trample the great lion and the serpent.

¹⁴ “Because he^[b] loves me,” says the Lord, “I will rescue him;
    I will protect him, for he acknowledges my name.
¹⁵ He will call on me, and I will answer him;
    I will be with him in trouble,
    I will deliver him and honor him.
¹⁶ With long life I will satisfy him
    and show him my salvation.”

View of "Old Town" from Princes Street Gardens

Another view from the gardens.  Edinburgh Castle is in the background. 

Bundled up and loving the day!

Thanks for the teachable moment, MG!  May His peace keep us all steady, hopeful, and in "go with the flow" mode.  And when we forget to let Him do it, may we take a huge grace bath and keep on goin'! 

Lessons from a month of separation

It is so wonderful to be back in Scotland with Kirk after this crazy whirlwind! I realize, after a lot of prayer and encouragement from many of you, that God had purposes behind this time that we are still discovering. To sum it up, here is what we have come to appreciate, so far, about the visa frustrations:
1. Receive graciously. Being back at home left me aware of my needs- It is very difficult to parent without a spouse around, and I have a lot of compassion for those who do it regularly. My parents, Kirk's parents, and countless others willingly inconvenienced themselves to take us to appointments, shopping for winter clothes, and coffee breaks. I was blessed with massages, chiropractic adjustments (a Christian chiro who actually prayed over me for wellness and wholeness during a time when everything, body and mind, was out of alignment), and even a trip to the zoo with Meg and her sweet boys. While we were being loved-on and pampered in the U.S., several new friends cooked meals for Kirk and invited him into their homes. I am so thankful for that!
2. Fear is a cancer of the mind. Throughout our month apart, I was tempted to fear, period. You name it, I worried about it... Financial fears, health-related fears, safety... A lot of that was brought to light, because this short season drew me to pray more than usual. I sensed The Lord drawing me to His word for comfort and encouragement, and it caused this overwhelming sense of peace to settle in. It's such a hard concept to trust in God's mysterious plan for our lives, but He promises that He goes before us, and that He won't forsake us in the middle of whatever mess or celebration we encounter. Being uncomfortable circumstance-wise, whatever it looks like for each individual, is actually the best classroom!
3. Just Be. There were days when it seemed like nothing was getting accomplished on the visa-front. These days, at first, stressed me out, because I didn't want Kirk to feel like I wasn't trying. He never thought that, but does that really ever stop me from thinking these crazy things?! Ha! As the trip extended, I just decided to enjoy the wonderful blessings of watching family member after family member enjoy our baby. We spent several days with some very dear friends, too. Oh, how perfectly planned is God's timing!
4. Jesus truly loves us and speaks our own individual love languages. Kirk was frequently led to sing songs and play his guitar- he didn't realize until the songs were over that God was speaking directly to the areas that were bothering him. Jesus specifically ministered to me by allowing me to experience the fall weather that I've loved since I was five. Micah and I even went to a pumpkin patch! We know that Jesus knows our needs, but our experiences this past month suggest that He also knows our desires and cares about them!
5. Relationships are the "better thing". Before leaving Scotland, I was preoccupied with fixing every little asthetically unpleasing part of our apartment. When Micah and I came back, I relaxed and was welcomed to a beautiful place that is "home" all its own simply because of who lives there. Thanks, Jesus, for lovingly showing me how ridiculous I can be sometimes :).

So, here we are- back in this place that I appreciate significantly more than before. I am excited to meet new friends and pick up where we left off.

Here's to "Scotland, it's nice to meet you", Part II.

I have returned feeling more free and content as the mystery unfolds.

Home again, home again, jiggity jig...well, just 2/3 of us :(

We have been on a crazy ride thus far, and it looks as though it is getting crazier!  This Thursday, sweet Micah and I are heading home to TN, because the visa process for both of us has been stopped, and we have to start again... whew, what a headache, huh?!?

The story behind the story is that when we were applying for visas, we totally misunderstood what it meant by Micah and I being labeled as "dependents" when traveling with Kirk.  We realized our little faux pas when Kirk looked at the fine print of his visa application, which basically stated that Micah and I are required to have separate visas, even though we are his dependents.  Oh, how little we know about international travel :(... Lord, have mercy!!! Haha!

We were hopeful when leaving the US, because we read that MG and I could be on a three month "visitor pass" and apply for our UK visa during those months.  Here's the rub... are you ready for it???

We can't apply for a visa here in the UK, because, wait for it... we flew through IRELAND, which apparently means we are prohibited from applying for our UK visa internally.  Somewhere in the crazy mix of things, we missed the fact that flying through Dublin was apparently a huge 'debacle', as my family likes to put it.

I guess the silver lining in all of this is that a lot of our family who haven't met Micah can meet her for the first time.  I hate that we have to leave Kirk here alone, and I hate that we have had so many crashes. 

God is in control, and we are trusting Him.  The adventure keeps getting more...umm...adventurous!

Stay tuned.

And so it begins!

Today is the first day that Kirk will start his 9-5 study/writing. As we sat staring out our window last night, looking at a beautiful view of this city, I had a mix of emotions. First, I am going to miss having him around, like he was in Massachusetts when MG was born. Next, I felt a little scared, because there are still a lot of logistics that need to be figured out with my visa, which means we don't have healthcare (for Micah or me) until we get the bumps ironed out. The reason for the fear, aside from being a new mom in a new country, is that two nights ago, one of my worries was realized as I woke up to a snotty-nosed, helpless little baby. Yep, you guessed it- she caught 'Daddy's' cold. After the series of setbacks we had already experienced, this was just par for the course. And man, let me tell you- I handled it so beautifully... NOT!!! I immediately called my mom through FaceTime, with my 4 am, punk rocker hair and cried hysterically that I wanted to come home or have her here 'NOW'! I told her that I just can't handle anymore of these stressors and that I am tired of being tested. After all, we don't even have our phones set up, and "what if something were to happen?!" Do you hear Peace in my rant!? I surely don't. I need to get reaquainted with Him again. To add to my medley of emotions about our routine kicking off, I feel hopeful. I am hopeful that I will get to know some friends and that we will find some exciting places to visit. I am hopeful that Kirk enjoys writing and growing in his ability to communicate Truth. And I am also hopeful that I will get to know Jesus on a deeper level.

I became aware last night (with the help of my sage of a husband) that my life has typically looked like Jesus+______. Ever since we have been in Edinburgh, the '+____' has been stripped away (phones, constant community, entertainment, you name it), and I have been left with the question, 'Is Jesus enough for me?'

Ouch.

The truth is that my life often responds to that question with a resounding, 'no'!!

So, here's to hoping that by the time we leave this place, I will answer differently.

Story of the Week: Inconvenience!

One week into this adventure, and I will definitely say it has been a whirlwind.  Trying to figure out international banking, phones, immigration stuff (I still don't have a visa) has had us reach points of frustration that neither one of us have ever seen or heard out of each other.  Kirk and I realize that we have both been in a pressure cooker since Micah was born, and because she was 3.5 weeks early, we didn't really get to prepare for or process her arrival.  In the midst of it all, we were prepping for this trip, and there were so many things to do that it was inevitable that some things would be left undone.  So, here we are- trying to navigate through it all... in sickness and in health, in the easy times, and while boiling in the pressure cooker, right?!

I thought my birthday was the pinnacle of stress, but today topped it!  Kirk has been struggling with this cold-like/fever bug for a couple of days, and we haven't had the opportunity been to press pause, because of all of his orientation stuff+an 11-week-old who loves to be loved.  He decided to go in for some meetings and errands this morning, and as I headed to meet him, I noticed him limping as he rounded the corner.  Well, folks- Kirk has sprained his ankle!  The slippery sidewalks of Edinburgh... for the WIN!  Today we used a lot of public transportation, needless to say.

As I mentioned previously regarding the Scots-they don't necessarily focus on convenience, and so not only do our errands and setting up bank accounts, phones, and WiFi take 10 steps, we are now adding a lot more of them because of this setback-haha (well, sort of "haha")!  God is teaching us a TON right now about dependence on Him.  When we are tempted to retreat and come back to our familiar, comfortable lives, we are reminded of how much confirmation went into this trip (between raising all funds in 1.5 months, getting the scholarship, and the affirmation Kirk received regarding his preaching).

Tomorrow is Saturday, and I am thankful!  Here's to putting our feet up (well, I guess I will just join Kirk in his foot-up-ness) and having a bit of what the Scots are good at-rest.

This is what kept coming to mind all day:
"for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. ¹² I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. ¹³ I can do all this through him who gives me strength." Philppians 4:11-13

We certainly don't have the rough circumstances that Paul had (and I am so grateful for it), but for us, this is an arduous experience for us, so here is how I would re-word it:

For I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances.  I know what it is to have my phone working and have a car.  I know what it is to have all of my needs and wants met above and be completely spoiled.  I am learning the secret of being content when I feel cowardly and selfish.  I can do all things through Him who gives me strength.

Amen.